ANTI JOCK HUMOR

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COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM FOR STUDENT ATHLETES

Time Limit: 3 WEEKS

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1. What language is spoken in France?

 

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

 

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

____ (a) build a bridge ____ (b) sail the ocean ____ (c) lead an army or ____ (d) WRITE A PLAY

 

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one) ____ (a) Jewish ____ (b) Catholic ____ (c) Hindu ____ (d) Polish ____ (e) Agnostic

 

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

 

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

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7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

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8. What are people in America's far north called? ____ (a) Westerners ____ (b) Southerners ____ (c) Northerners

 

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

Bush: __________________________ Carter: __________________________ Clinton: __________________________

 

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

 

11. Where does rain come from? ____ (a) Macy's ____ (b) Kmart ____ (c) Canada ____ (d) the sky

 

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? ____ (a) yes ____ (b) no

 

13. What are coat hangers used for?

 

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

 

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

 

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

 

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? ____ (a) New York ____ (b) Florida ____ (c) Canada ____ (d) Wisconsin

 

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

 

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

 

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? ____ (a) B.C ____ (b) A.D.

Signed _______________________

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REAL JOCK QUOTES

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Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

 

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for

1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

 

Upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say, "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

 

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

 

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,

Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."

 

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

 

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up, alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

 

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

 

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

 

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes."

 

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

 

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

 

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

 

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)

 

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)

 

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

 

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

 

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

 

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)

 

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

 

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

 

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)

 

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M;, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."